About a month ago, I went to my doctor and complained once again about my abdominal pains. I don’t get them often, but when I do, they can be unbearable. I had talked to her about it before, but she wanted to just “watch and see” how I did after some diet changes and such.
After some diet changes and such, there wasn’t really any improvement. I had done my own research on WebMD and other corners of the interwebs and had decided that I had gall stones.
So, this time I got to see a different doctor in the practice, and she immediately gave me an order to go get an ultrasound of my abdomen to see what was going on in there. The US (ultrasound) confirmed that yes, I do indeed have gall stones. Yay me for already figuring that out. The doctor wanted to get better images of my innards, I guess to decide whether or not to remove my gall bladder, so they ordered an MRI.
The MRI also confirmed that yes, I do indeed have gall stones. (Well, DUH) That very same MRI also discovered something incidentally. It discovered a small, 2cm-ish “lesion” on my right kidney. Lesion is the word the chick used when she called to tell me about it. I wasn’t even expecting to hear anything about my MRI for another 3 days or so; so you can imagine how I felt when they called first thing the next morning (I later discovered that they had actually called the night before!)
Doctors do not call you at night unless they have bad news.
I have a 2cm “mass” on my right kidney. It was confirmed in greater detail by a follow-up CT scan of my kidneys. The urologist whose name I still can’t pronounce even after he said it to me, and even though a couple of nurses said it to me; he said that it is a partially solid, partially cystic mass. They’re not real sure what it is, but he’s “pretty sure it’s nothing really bad.” Yep. Those were his words. I’m banking on those words, you guys. I gotta. Otherwise, I’d be going insane over here with anxiety and panic.
We’re just gonna cut you open and cut that sucker out, along with a bit of your kidney, and then we’ll figure out what it is (it’s nothing really bad, of course.) This is what Doctor Difficult-to-Pronounce-Last-Name said to me. Basically. I may have changed a few words. So I have to accept that I’m having surgery for something unidentified that is growing on my kidney. No biggie. Honestly, I’m more afraid of the pathology results AFTER the surgery, than I am of the surgery itself. And surgery is scary, yo. I’ve never had surgery. I’m scared.
I went to see my doctor again on Wednesday for a “surgical clearance” and she proceeds to tell me that the previously mentioned MRI also showed a teeny-tiny 2mm “nodule” on my left lung, that would be absolutely insignificant if it weren’t for the
gigantic tumor 2 cm mass growing on my kidney. She wants me to get another CT scan. This time one of my chest, just to be sure there aren’t any more “nodules” anywhere else. If there are, it could mean this is a worst-case-scenario thing going on here. I won’t even say the word, but I know you’re all already thinking it. It’s okay. I was, too. I thought it the very first time that nurse on the phone told me that I have a “lesion” on my kidney.
The past month has been pretty rough for me mentally. I am a worrier and a worst-case-scenario kind of gal. Not because I like to be. Gods no. I have issues, folks. My brain is a crazy place. I have spent way too much time crying and being scared these past 4 weeks or so, and to be honest, part of me is actually starting to feel relieved about the surgery. It will all be over before I know it and I can put this nonsense behind me. I hope. Yeah, I’m hoping because that’s all I can do right now. Hope is a good and powerful thing, and it’s what I need to keep me from losing my shit.
The test results from the chest CT came back on Friday. My doctor called me personally. You know it isn’t good when that happens, you guys.
She told me that there are actually 3 teeny “nodules” on my lungs. Not just the one. And again, she reminded me that as tiny as these are, they wouldn’t be cause for alarm if it weren’t for the kidney thing. That is very little reassurance for someone like me; especially since the kidney thing even exists.
It should not exist. It doesn’t belong there. It needs to get the fuck out of my body and never look back. Bastard kidney lesion mass-type thing.
Sorry. Sometimes you just gotta curse.
So now I wait. And I cry and worry (but not too much, because it does me no good.) I hate that we don’t know what it is. I hate that it was found incidentally, but I also love that it was found incidentally. If it wasn’t found, it would still be in there, and who knows when it would have decided to make itself known? 5 years from now in the form of pain and illness? 10 years from now? Who knows? I am trying to see the silver lining here. I really and truly am. I’m trying to believe that everything is going to be okay. I’m trying to stay positive and choose hope; because like I said, it’s what I need right now.
I am hopeful, but I am also scared. All of this is scary. Keep me in your thoughts, please. I need as much positive energy and hope as you can spare right now. Send it all to me. SEND ME ALL OF THE HOPE AND GOOD THINGS! Thanks.
Waiting and hoping,