Life on the Other End

"Okay...bye." (This pic is 2 years old, but it's one of 2 I have of him on the phone. Besides, he's just too cute!)

“I don’t want to talk right now…” he says, and trails off because he’s already walking away from the phone to go play.

It’s strange to be on the other end of those short phone calls. I’m usually the one urging him to talk and listen to whoever it is on the other line, but this time it’s me on the other line and someone else is doing the urging.

It makes me feel lonely and sad at the same time, yet still makes me chuckle, because that’s just how he is on the phone. I try to believe that typically, he doesn’t want to talk because he’s not interested in talking to people in his life who are almost never around, but then…that wouldn’t explain why he’s not interested in talking to me…

Lucas is just Lucas. He’s too busy of a boy to be tied to a phone. “We just got to the park,” the Sperm Donor says. Oh great, I think, he’s not going to want to talk to me when he just got to a park…
Yeah…that pretty much sums it up. Lucas said about 3 other sentences, then ran off to play. No goodbye. No “I love you”. Nada.
Now I know how it feels to be on the other end, and it stinks.

Right now, my baby boy (he’s really 4.5, but will always be my baby) is in Florida with the Sperm Donor visiting his grandparents for 2 weeks.

Lucas in Florida last summer.

In case you missed it, or in case I never even mentioned it, I am in Michigan in the Detroit area. Pretty much the opposite end of the country from Florida.

It’s a whole different world there, too.
When children live primarily with one parent, that becomes the norm. Life mainly carries on, as usual, day-to-day and all that. Nothing too exciting happens. There are birthdays and holidays and stuff, but that’s the extent of it. The present parent tends to relish what little time they get away from the kids, and when the kids are around (which is most of the time), we also tend to take them for granted and get tired of them pretty quick.

When the children are with the more absent parent, it’s like a non-stop party. That parent makes sure that every second of every minute of every day is full of things to do that they don’t typically get to do with the more present parent. Thus making the full-time parent (me) feel like a schmuck and rendering everything that they DO do (teehee) with the kids seem boring and totally lametastic.

So…when the full-time, boring mommy calls the small child who has been to the ocean and has been swimming in an awesome pool and is now playing at the park (all in 2.5 days, no less) that small child isn’t really going to be interested in the phone. No matter how much he misses Mommy.

He does miss me, right? 😦

* sigh*

Me and my Lucas.

Only 11 days and 2 hours or so until Lucas is home. Who’s counting though?
Until then, I guess I’m just the person on the other end of the phone, missing him more than he’ll ever know.

Feeling lonely…
~Karin

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About kantal113

I am a woman who just wants to share her crazy life with the rest of y’all. I am also a housekeeper, laundrette, babysitter, cook, teacher, caregiver, facilities manager, psychologist, and kisser-of-boo-boos. Better known as a mom.
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17 Responses to Life on the Other End

  1. Chris says:

    It’s frustrating and thankless to be the primary caregiver. We do the hard work, and the absent, or even not-so-present parent gets all the laughs. I’m looking forward to the day our boys are old enough to understand the difference.

    Regardless of how we feel, though, we’re doing what we can to raise amazing human beings. I’m banking on that paying out someday in the form of immense gratification. It will, won’t it?…

    I know how you feel, love. Remember that every day that goes by gets us one day closer to having our boys back.

  2. kantal113 says:

    Thank you for such a thoughtful comment, love. I appreciate it. I know you’re right. It just feels awful being on this end of the phone, you know?

    • Chris says:

      I know it all too well. Even though I expected it, when Simon said to me the other night, “*sigh* I don’t really want to talk right now, Dad,” it was still really hard to take. They have no idea how much we miss them.

  3. R.J says:

    Maybe not today but tomorrow he will realize your worth when he is old enough to understand between right or wrong …
    just little time more…
    try making more time for fun in life, you’ve got all the life to worry about 🙂

    • kantal113 says:

      Thank you, R.J! I know it’s going to take many years before he’s old enough to really understand his situation, and until then I guess all I can really do is miss him when he’s gone, and love him as much as I can when he’s with me.
      Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. It means a lot! I hope you’ll read my older posts, and come back to read more in the future!
      Out of curiosity, how did you find my blog?

      • R.J says:

        I am sooo sorry for the delayed reply. Anyway, answering the last question first, I just found your blog by random posts on wordpress’s front page i suppose… Cannot exactly recall but the title made me stop and read and well I’m not a mother yet, not even a wife but I am a daughter and I’ve, in passage of time, understood how hard it is to be a mother… Off and on, sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally, I have hurt my mom and sometimes, most of the times, i still do… the only difference is that back then I didn’t realize it and never tried to make up for it… but now, when i do something wrong, i might not apologize directly but I do try to make up for it and when i see smile on her face, i know that i’m forgiven … and that’s why I said what I did 🙂 … Though, I hope he realizes it sooner than expected 🙂

  4. They start realizing it sooner than you think sometimes, my nieces realize it already and they are just eleven and twelve. They know who takes care of them, who is there with them all the time, who actually kisses there “boo-boos”. Like a television show the kids I babysat were watching, the boys were wanting to eat junk food and play video games all the time, then had a dream about an “alternate” universe, where their mom never cooked, threw a bowl of candy on the table for dinner, and they were able to do whatever they wanted to do. Before long they realized that is was not all that much fun after all, they wanted their mom and her routine back. It will be interesting to see what he wants next week, after more days of only fun.

    • kantal113 says:

      Thanks for reading and commenting, Carol. I do appreciate it. Lots. 🙂
      I’m not too sure he gets it yet, but I know he does miss me in his own little way. Before he left, he didn’t even want to go because I wasn’t going to be there with him. I hated making him go, but in the end, he was pretty happy to see his “Papa”.
      I know someday he’ll actually want to talk to me when he’s away, and he might even call me himself. Eleven and twelve are a far cry from four and a half, so I know I have a long way to go. I’m afraid that by the time he’s old enough to actually admit to missing me, he’ll be too old to want to express it because he’s a boy.
      *shrug* Ah well. Not much I can do about it.
      Thanks again for reading! I hope you’ll come back again!

  5. Amanda says:

    Although he’s not catching on now, he will when he gets older. I know this from experience. What seems like a fun party now, will eventually melt into a mundane task as he realizes exactly what the sperm donor us doing. Kids notice and appreciate you as a truly caring parent when they have an invisible sperm donor to compare you to.

    Things will be different some day. Telephone calls will then turn into a place for him to escape that which he loathes. He will tell you every detail of his visit and never want to hang up with you. He will beg you not to make him go with the people that aren’t a constant in his life.

    Know that he misses you and will always love you, even if 4.5 is a difficult age to always express that. Wait a couple of years, when he sees that what used to be an exciting park or an ocean is actually just the same park or ocean that he’s always taken to during these visits. He will identify what is actually occurring, and cling to you, his wonderful mother. After all, it’s only natural to eventually shun that which has shunned you.

    • kantal113 says:

      Thank you, Amanda. It means a LOT to me that you took time to read this and to comment. Your opinion is priceless to me. I am hoping you and the others who commented here are right. I’m just afraid that because he’s a boy, things might be different. I’m scared he’ll want to be with his “Papa” and that he might never allow himself to truly bond with Chris because of the garbage I’m convinced that the Sperm Donor feeds his little, innocent brain.
      I am trying to teach Lucas what a Dad really is, and spending time with a man who calls himself Dad and Papa and such, is just going to confuse Lucas.
      Chris is his Dad. Chris is the one who’s there for him and shows him that he cares.
      I know that’s not the point of this post, but that is just one of many fears and issues I have with Lucas visiting the Sperm Donor.
      I know that one day, he’ll be able to vocalize his feelings and that he’ll let me know how he feels and when he misses me, but until then, I have to just hope he’s not too influenced by the Sperm Donor, and that he’ll be smart enough to know the truth from the lies his “Papa” spews.
      Thank you again for reading. I heart you much, lady. 🙂

  6. That’s rough, Karin. Thanks for sharing such a heartfelt and painful piece of your parenting experience. You boy knows where his home and his heart is. And you know he knows that. Stay strong.

    • kantal113 says:

      Thank you for reading and for your kind words. I’m staying as strong as I can. Chris helps me with that, and I help him stay strong when he misses his boys, too.
      We’re working on building a strong, diverse, loving blended family for all of our kids, and unfortunately my ex has to be a part of it. I can only keep hoping that he knows his place and doesn’t try too hard to win Lucas’s affection. He’s just a little guy, and very impressionable. His bio-father is a charismatic man with lots of training in the art of deception (his father is a master), and I fear that he says things to Lucas that shouldn’t be said. Things about Chris not being his dad, for example, and it scares me.
      I cannot control things that happen when he’s with his bio-father. I know this. It just makes me worry and miss him even more, because I know my ex.
      Thanks again SO much for taking the time out of your busy Blogger Idol schedule (hehe I know how it is) to read my wee blog and leave such a thoughtful comment. I hope you’ll come back again. 🙂

  7. Jeff Silvey says:

    That must be difficult. But at least kids don’t mean it, kids are just- well, kids. It’s not fun when I pick up my daughter from preschool, and I’m all excited to see her, I reach out for her- and then she just cries and says she wants her mommy. But I try not to take it too hard, because in that moment she simply does want her mommy. I know it’s not the same thing, but the point was that kids don’t always mean things the way that we as adults would interpret things.

    • kantal113 says:

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Jeff! I had/have a similar problem when I pick Lucas up from daycare, preschool, and now camp. I get there and I’m happy to see him and he doesn’t want to leave. He’d rather stay there than come home with me. I get no “Hi, Mom!” or hugs or anything. I do try not to take it too hard, but it does wear on you after a while.
      I do understand what you meant though. Little ones don’t have the ability to properly identify and express what it is they’re feeling all the time. Things usually come out simplified and sometimes can seem mean, but they don’t typically intend it to sound that way.

      Now that Lucas is home again, things are back to normal, except he’s been a lot more clingy and misses me more than he used to whenever we weren’t together. Even if he’s just in a different room, he’s been coming to me and telling me he wants to be with me always. It’s sweet, but it makes me sad, knowing I’ll have to make him leave and spend time with his bio-dad from time-to-time. He said he doesn’t want to go with his “papa” any more unless I’m going to be there.
      What am I supposed to say to that? *sigh*

      Thanks again for taking time to read and reply. It means a lot to me. I hope you’ll come back again. I plan to get on a more regular posting schedule soon. 🙂

  8. Christi says:

    Oh yes, he definitely misses you! My daughter always has fun when she’s at her dad’s house, but is so happy to finally come home. Also, it sounds like he’s just not much of a phone guy. I’m like that too, so I can totally empathize with him. I hate talking on the phone. My dad gripes about it all the time because he wants to call and chit chat with me, but if there’s not something to actually discuss, I’m a pathetic conversationalist. 🙂

    • kantal113 says:

      Thanks for reading! 🙂 He did miss me very much. Especially the last 3 days when I called and called and couldn’t reach him or anyone, for that matter. They had taken him to Disney World, despite my requests for them not to (that sounds worse than it is), and they didn’t tell me they were taking him, and his bio dad had his cell turned off every time I called. I was pretty upset, to say the least.
      When he got home, he said he didn’t want to go with his papa anymore because I’m not there. That made all of that sadness and worry just melt away. I know now that he probably thinks of me as much as I think of him. 🙂

  9. Pingback: Missing My Boy. Again. | Pinwheels and Poppies

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