Content Loves the Silence

I apologize. This was supposed to be brief, but it turned into something else. It happens. I hope you’ll still read on.

My boy is about to leave for the holiday break to spend time with his sperm-donor of a father. That sperm donor rarely calls, and only sees my boy a couple times a year. We have no legal custody arrangements, so we try to just work things out. When he manages to have the time and money to see Lucas, I try to allow it. The sperm donor isn’t literally a sperm donor, btw. I was actually in a relationship with him for nearly 5 years. He was emotionally and verbally abusive about 4 of those 5 years, and when I was pregnant and after Lucas was born, he was at his worst.

Abuse takes on many forms. Someone doesn't have to be physical with you to be an abuser.

Abuse takes on many forms. Someone doesn’t have to be physical with you to be an abuser.

I won’t get into the details of how he treated me. Just know that more days than not, I was crying and hating myself because of something he said. He made me feel like I was crazy. He knew that and used it to his advantage.

The last time we talked, about 3 weeks ago, he was telling me of his tentative plans for the holiday, and said he was about to get plane tickets for the 22nd to come get Lucas. I was fine with that. 3 weeks go by and I don’t hear from him, and we are making plans here in our home for our family celebration before all of our kids leave (Chris’s boys also go with their mother for the holidays, so we’re going to be alone for 2 weeks. We should be excited about that, but we’re not.)

The sperm donor calls yesterday and tells me that he’s booked a flight for the 21st. That’s tomorrow. A Friday. The day of our family plans, and Lucas’s class party in school.
This piece of garbage has gone and made plans without talking to me, and is ruining our plans in the process. He sees no problem with Lucas missing a day of school. He didn’t consider for a moment that maybe we should have discussed this change of plans first.

He also tells me that he had no way of contacting me the entire 3 weeks because his phone and internet were out. Yeah right.
He thinks I’m stupid, and he knows that I can’t stand up to him. He knows that, and takes full advantage.

This sudden change of plans throws us all off. It causes an immediate fight between the hubs and I, because he hates that I can’t just stand up to my ex.

If only it were so simple. If only. If it was so simple to just stand up to him, I would have done it years ago, and saved myself all of that abuse.

Me and my boy at home.  Right where he belongs.

Me and my boy at home. Right where he belongs.

Now Lucas is sadder than he already was, because he doesn’t want to go in the first place; and now he has to miss out on things that he’s been looking forward to. And when my baby is sad, I’m sad. And when I’m sad over something that the hubs seems to think I can easily change, then he gets angry. No one is happy, and I am being made to feel that it is all my fault because I can’t stand up to my abuser. I can’t stand up to him. That is a correct statement.

 

 

Why not? Well, it’s as simple as fear. I am afraid. It’s not rational fear, but that doesn’t make it any less real for me.
I want to be able to stand up to him and tell him that I will not allow him to take my son away from his family a day early. If I do that though, I know more trouble will come of it, and Lucas will have to feel the effects of that. I don’t want to make things easier for my abuser, but I also don’t want to make things more difficult for my son.

I am feeling so torn and hurt and broken today. I just want my boy to be happy, and it seems I am failing even at that. To top it off, my husband is upset with me, and I feel completely helpless.

I had a couple of good conversations last night with some friends of mine. One of them is my very dearest friend, Amanda, who only wants to comfort and offer up helpful ideas. She understands what it’s like to be in my position, as her daughter’s father is a sperm-donor type of guy. I am so blessed to have Amanda’s friendship and support. It means the world to me.

Another friend, Mike,  is an old high school friend who just so happens to have experience counseling abused women. He’s an outstanding human being, and I am so lucky to have been able to keep in touch with him after all these years. He offered up support and reminded me that I am not weak and that my fear is valid, but that I do indeed have to work through it and not let it control me. He knows those things take time. He understands that it’s not as simple as “Just get over it.”
I am grateful to him for taking the time to talk to me when I was feeling so defeated.

Just a few more things, and I’ll be done. I promise.

Goddess knows I'm trying.

Goddess knows I’m trying.

For anyone who is a survivor of domestic abuse of any kind (physical, verbal, emotional, etc.)-

You are not alone. No matter how shitty and weak and pathetic the people in your life make you feel about “allowing yourself” to be abused, you are none of those things. And you are not “allowing” anything. You have been hurt, and that hurt leaves scars. Healing takes time.

If you have escaped your abusive relationship, then you’ve made progress. You are strong.

If you have learned to manage your emotions about your abuser, and are able to not fall apart at the sight or sound of every trigger, then you have made progress. You are strong.

If you still cry, or aren’t quite capable of standing up to your abuser yet, that’s okay. It does not make you weak, and it does not mean that you are “letting them” control you.cry

You have been traumatized.

You can work through it. It may take time. That is okay.
We’re all going to be okay.
We just need to take it one step at a time.

We got this. ♥

~Karin

A fellow blogger and friend posted this song on my wall today. It seemed random and all too coincidental. It is the perfect song for how I’m feeling right now, and felt like I should include it in this post. Thank you to So Much for the Mother of the Year Award for your thoughtfulness in sharing this song with me today. 

About kantal113

I am a woman who just wants to share her crazy life with the rest of y’all. I am also a housekeeper, laundrette, babysitter, cook, teacher, caregiver, facilities manager, psychologist, and kisser-of-boo-boos. Better known as a mom.
This entry was posted in blended family, controversial, Family, fears, holidays, hope, inspiration, kids, life, love, parenting and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to Content Loves the Silence

  1. Mary says:

    I am so sorry to hear this, Karin. I wish I knew what to say, but I don’t. I feel really bad for all of you. I’m hoping that somehow this works out for the best, however that may be. Sending a big hug to you and Lucas, (and a lump of coal to the abuser)!

  2. Commander Spacedog says:

    Healing “Pluto Problems” is never easy — these are our “distorting wounds” — remnants of the past that affect our future selves. The key lies in taking our power back. The most effective methods for me personally have been shamanic in form — mentally revisiting the incident and changing the course of events through visualization techniques. Everyone is different as far as methodology, but always remember you have permission from the Universe to take back your power. <3

    • kantal113 says:

      I love you, Johnny. Thank you for your kind and wise words. I do need to get my power back, but I do struggle with how to do that. I think I may try the visualization method. It sounds just as good as anything else, and anything is better than feeling so powerless and afraid. Thank you. xoxo

  3. Jupiter says:

    I don’t know what to say, oddly…especially since I’ve been there :-/

    • kantal113 says:

      I’m not surprised. It seems our paths are all too similar, and it a way that is comforting, but it’s also depressing. I hate that there are so many of us who have been abused in some way. I especially hate that people don’t always consider it abuse if there is no physical contact.
      My ex laughs at me whenever I bring it up, of course, and other people I love have accused me of exaggerating what happened. Nothing hurts more than when your loved ones call you a liar and don’t believe you were abused. *sigh*

      I’m just hoping it snows tomorrow and that their flight gets canceled so I don’t have to take my boy to the airport. Or maybe our car just won’t start tomorrow, also preventing me from taking him.

      Anyway, I am sorry you’ve had to endure abuse. It sucks. It seems like you’re in a good place now. That makes me smile.

      I hate to be cheezy, but I have to say that I am so glad we “met”. Your presence in my life is more important than you know. Not in a creepy way though. Just in a “I’m so glad someone gets me” kind of way. xoxo

  4. joy asher says:

    Honey I understand where you are coming from. While you see weakness I see a hard fought struggle that you are winning when you add up the battles that equal the war. You are raising this young man and doing a fine job. I understand the fighting with a spouse over ex situations.
    Here is my two cents. Get an agreement in writing from him and stick to it. I know a court order binds you to the impossible and will give him more than the wee bit you accommodate him with now. You are far from weak my friend. Xxoo

    • kantal113 says:

      Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment, Joy. You’ve always been so supportive and helpful, and this time is no exception. I agree that we should have something in writing. I have made a decision to not allow any further visits until he is paying a reasonable amount of child support on a regular basis. I’ll tell him that AFTER he brings Lucas home.
      At this point, I’m starting to think that legal custody would be helpful though, because he doesn’t have a good record of being a very good or financially supportive father. Only time will tell.
      Thank you again for being so sweet. It truly does mean a lot to me. xoxo

  5. 50senseblog says:

    i was the “lucas” in this equation, many moons ago, and what bothers me more than your distress in all this is knowing he doesn’t want to go. my inner child is telling me to tell you “don’t make him go.” i’m sorry for that… i don’t want to make you feel worse. i just want you to know how a grown-up lucas might feel some day.

    • kantal113 says:

      I don’t want to make him go, but he’s only 6, and his father doesn’t think he’s old enough to make that decision. If it were only up to me, I’d never make him go. But if this did go to court, a judge wouldn’t allow him to make the decision, either. :( I think it’s terrible that we don’t trust a young child’s opinion simply because of their age.

      I’m sorry you had to go through this. It’s no way for a child to live, and I feel terrible about it all the time. I hope one day I can forgive myself for not being able to force myself to stay with the sperm donor for the sake of my Lucas.

      Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment.

      • 50senseblog says:

        leaving the sperm donor was the best decision of your life and for lucas… don’t ever think otherwise. i’m so sorry you have to deal with this… it’s an impossible situation. big hug to you and lucas.

      • kantal113 says:

        Thank you, dear. You’re very kind. I know it was the best thing ever, but sometimes it just seems like life, especially Lucas’s, would be easier if I had just stayed and dealt with the donor’s abuse.
        Thank you again for reading and for your kind, thoughtful comments. xoxo

  6. Bryan says:

    You know I had a friend that was once married to an abusive man. She told me that it was always amusing to her how people would question why she stayed so long and what they would have done different. They would have never put up with that. I couldn’t say that to someone but I have been guilty of thinking like that. She looked me in the eye and said, “You don’t know what you would do until you’ve been there.” Although when she did get stronger than him, she hit him with a car then jumped out and run after him with a crow bar. Yes, the car left an impression but the crow bar never did.

    I can’t say that I’ve been there per se but I did have a situation pop up at my job that tells me should this situation ever happen again – I would be like a deer caught in headlights. Thankfully it never lasted long because he was arrested but he did use that fear to steal things from my job (convenience store) and eventually got me fired.

    You’ll have your moment in the sun.

    • kantal113 says:

      Thank you, Bryan. I know you’re right. And I have been that person asking why someone would stay in such a situation. Of course, I was lucky that he never hit me, but sometimes, I think these emotional scars will last longer and cut deeper than any physical scars he would have left. Who knows?
      All I know is, I am practically powerless to him, and we’ve been apart for over 4 years. I am looking forward to my moment in the sun. Thank you. <3

  7. As difficult as it is to deal with him a few times a year, I’m glad you don’t have to deal with him more often. Be strong, mama. For him and for you.

    • kantal113 says:

      I do feel lucky that our interactions are so infrequent, but I also wonder sometimes, if it would make it easier if they were more regular. I might be more able to deal with them if I had to do it more often. *shrug*
      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, Lisha. I’m staying as strong as I can, and counting down the days until my boy is home again. We’re down to 5. :)

  8. I just read this post, and feel as if I could have written it… except my kid’s sperm donor DIDN’T follow through on the tentative plans he informed me of at Thanksgiving, and I never heard from him. Our child is 14, and doesn’t seem too upset that his father doesn’t show, but is also 14, and doesn’t seem too upset about anything at this age. Sigh.

    • kantal113 says:

      Ugh. Sorry to hear that. It gets so tiring trying to deal with deatbeat dads. This particular visit is officially going to be his last unless he can start paying more substantial child support; and if he doesn’t want to do that, then we’ll be heading to court.

      Honestly, as tough as it is on your son, you guys are lucky the donor doesn’t show up. I’d honestly prefer it that way. I hate my ex and wish he’d just disappear. Sadly, that isn’t going to happen, and I’m going to have to find better ways to deal with him.

      Thanks for reading and commenting. xoxo

  9. it sounds like overall you really are managing it while. The fact that you accommodate your son thing his dad this by all that shit is pretty damn impressive. It’s hard to change old habits with people, at least he’s for the most part of your life so you don’t follow same patterns too often.

    • kantal113 says:

      Thanks for reading and commenting! Yeah, I manage okay; especially when the douchebag doesn’t call for over a month. It makes me happy to not have any contact with him, but I know it doesn’t make it any easier for Lucas when he’s forced to talk to and spend time with this man that he barely knows. And when he does show up, Lucas is expected to just be okay with it. My poor boy. I can only hope that I am good enough mother that I can raise him to learn how to see his father for who he really is.
      Thank you again for reading. xoxo

  10. L says:

    Thank you for this brave, beautiful post and for reminding me that I am strong.
    Laura

    • kantal113 says:

      Thank YOU for reading and commenting, Laura. You are strong. We are all stronger than we know. *hugs*

    • kantal113 says:

      Oh, and stay strong. Abuse is scary and makes you do things you never think you’ll do. Please keep me in mind if you need a shoulder to cry on or help with anything. Thank you again for reading. Love and light to you.

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