Again with the missing my boy business. *sigh* Last year I wrote a post about it when he was in Florida for two weeks. This year he’s going to be gone even longer, and it’s tough. I may seem all smiles, but inside I am dying for a hug from my boy.
It’s not fair. It’s not fair to me, nor is it fair to him. He’s far, far away in North Carolina, visiting his bio-father for 4 weeks. 4! That’s a long time for anyone to be away from someone they love, and an especially long time for a child to be away from his mother; his primary caregiver.
I was so torn this year. I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t know whether to let him go to NC or not. He certainly didn’t want to go, but it seems that the opinion of a 5 year-old isn’t all that important to most adults. It matters to me and to my wonderful husband, but we’re pretty much the minority.
When I told the douchebag bio-father that Lucas didn’t want to go see him, his response was simply, “I don’t care about that.” Shrugging it off as a typical kid thing. No biggie. “He’ll get over it once he’s here” he said. How does a parent just shrug off the feelings and opinions of their child?
Lucas was nervous and afraid and just not at all interested in going to NC, but I had to make him go because he’s only 5 and his opinions don’t hold water. Such bullshit. I hate feeling like the bad guy when all I’m trying to do is help him establish some kind of relationship with his bio-father. Not that his father deserves that, but who am I to make that judgment? I am certain that Lucas will learn the type of man his father is without any help from me, and one day he’ll thank me for it. I can only hope he learns his father’s true nature, and not a kid-friendly version of it. Only time will tell, I suppose.
So right now he’s there and I’m here. I miss him so much. Luckily, it’s easy to go through the entire day, making sure I’m constantly distracted by something, just so I can’t even think for a minute about how much I miss my boy.
We’ve talked on the phone several times, and every time he sounds more and more sad. He tells me he wants to come home, and I don’t know what to say to him. I cannot just go pick him up. It’s not like NC is right around the corner from MI. And I can’t tell him that I’ll come get him because his bio-father wouldn’t stand for that even if I could just hop in the car and go get him.
I was so hoping that Lucas would get used to being there by the end of the first week, but he just seems to be getting more and more homesick.
My poor, sweet baby boy.
Some would say that a bit of adjustment from being out of his comfort zone is good for him, and maybe they’d be right; but I have a hard time believing that I should just ignore his pleas to come home. He’s not happy. Why should he be forced to be there if it’s not bringing him happiness? If it’s not building on his life experiences and making him a better person, why make him stay? Why make him go at all, for that matter?
But it’s a difficult situation because he’s only 5. That, and the fact that his bio-sperm-donor and I never married (Thank GOD!) and we don’t have any official, legal custody arrangements in place. We’re just trying to work together and avoid going to court. For me, it’s mainly because I don’t want to waste all that money on lawyers and stuff. For him, I’m starting to think it’s because he knows he doesn’t stand a chance at getting much custody legally, since he’s the one who left in the first place. Asshole.
Whatever. None of that changes how I’m feeling. Sad, miserable, depressed, worthless, guilty. Need I say more? I’m so, so glad that this time is going by so quickly. As much as I love having a quiet house all day, and my hubby to myself all evening and night, I need my boy close to me.
That is where he belongs, and that is where he will be in 18 days. Snuggled up in my arms.
To top off my sadness, I discovered this amazing musical duo today, Renee & Jeremy, thanks to the lovely Mary Tyler Mom. This is one of the many songs I used to sing to Lucas when he was younger, and this video is just beautiful. I’m drowning in my tears over here, guys.
Counting down the minutes~