This Post Will Soon Be at an End.

It has repeatedly been brought to my attention that you people think I should blog more often. I’m not sure that I agree with you, but I suppose it couldn’t hurt. I have no idea what this post is going to be about, but I feel the need to write something since you guys have been nagging me are so dang persistent. I gotta give credit where it’s due.

Apparently, even write a blog post.

I am lazy. It’s a little to kinda well-known fact. I hate the duties involved in being a SAHM. I am also kinda self-serving a lot of the time, so my time is important to me and I prefer to spend it doing things that interest me, despite my housewifely duties. The house is mostly clean, the kids are fed and clean, the hubs is content with our sex life, so I’d say I’m doing an okay job. Now, if only I liked what I do for a day job, I’d be in business.

The kids have gotten less crazy this year, which is a great thing. When we all first moved in together and decided to conduct this lifelong science experiment, things here were less than great. The wee ones fought and injured each other ALL THE TIME. Finn was constantly following Lucas around the house just so he could be sure that Lucas knew how much he disliked his mere presence. This still happens, really. Just not nearly as often. The difference this year is that Lucas has started testing his limits with Finn, and this has proven to be a very explosive situation, but all is well mostly.

I'm pretty sure this was going on in our house.

So, things should be easier, and I should be more productive. I should be writing more often and should be taking on other projects; like hobbies and PTA meetings and shit. I’m not though. I’m not doing any of that stuff. Quite honestly, I don’t know what I do all day. Time seems to be slipping away from me at a pretty alarming rate these days, and it just freaks me out, so I think my remedy is to sit still a lot. Hoping that time slows down a bit.

This has been an issue for me since I was a teenager. Time. It freaks my freak. Some people will say that it’s an illusion, and at times, I am inclined to believe so, since we can’t see it and really have no proof that it’s there, other than the fact that it ages us and everything around us. It destroys things that were once vital and full of energy and hope; and it scares the shit outta me.
I think my inactivity is due to anxiety over not spending my precious time wisely. I worry about wasting time, but it’s really mostly what I do. When I am actually doing something useful or entertaining, I obsess in my mind over how much time it’s taking from my free time to just be. Be what, I don’t know, but I like to just be. It feels safe.

This song about sums it up.

So yes, I have spent entire days on facebook, just reading posts and watching videos. Reading blogs by amazing writers that I am both envious and jealous of. Writing is something I used to believe I might actually be good at, but I am under the impression that if I were a good writer, I’d write more often. I should be inspired and the words should just flow sometimes, right? I think I’m too weird, depressed, random, distractable, lazy, tired, crazy, smelly (whatever. pick one, they all fit) to be a real writer.

I mean, how did I get to this point in this post? What kind of fucked up train of thought brought me from ‘I’m writing to appease my adoring fans’ to ‘I’m a depressed weirdo who sits around all day rambling nonsense and talking to herself and smelling of dead things’? We do have a shower. AND indoor plumbing. Hell, we have TWO showers. Laa dee daa! But I somehow manage to avoid them for days at a time, because I have zero motivation to be be godly. (Get it? Cleanliness is um…yeah. Nevermind.)

Yeah....so NOT me.

So, what have we all learned here today? Well for one, we’ve learned that I am a crazy, lazy bitch who writes a shitty blog that serves no real purpose, other than to satisfy the masses. (ha. ha. ha.)
We have learned that my house is mostly a mess, because I spend my days facebooking and reading. We learned that my kids are crazy, but a little less crazy than they were a year ago. Or maybe I’ve just learned to handle the crazy.

Yes, this is LESS crazy than last year.

We also learned that I am time’s bitch. I cower at it’s feet. I want it to just leave me alone, and let me be. Just once, I’d like to go an entire day without being struck by the irrational fear that I have of dying. That would be great. Heck, if we got it down to just a couple days a week, I’d be happy. Living in constant fear of the inevitable is just dumb. Trust me. (although, I’m not sure why you would)

Thank you for reading and for nagging encouraging me to write. I do appreciate it. Maybe one day, I’ll actually be good at it.

Smelly and tired,
~Karin

About kantal113

I am a woman who just wants to share her crazy life with the rest of y’all. I am also a housekeeper, laundrette, babysitter, cook, teacher, caregiver, facilities manager, psychologist, and kisser-of-boo-boos. Better known as a mom.
This entry was posted in death, fears, life, stay-at-home-mom and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to This Post Will Soon Be at an End.

  1. Chris says:

    Nice post, love. I think it’s ironic that you lose so much time worrying about losing time. It’s tragic, really. But I get it. You know I was a SAHD before we met, and it can really drain the life out of you. If you get energized by reading and writing, then do that. There’s always a balance to be found between seeking out ways to fill yourself up and doing what needs to be done. It’s hard when you can’t seem to enjoy the things you’re responsible for. I’m having a really difficult time with striking that balance at work. I just can’t seem to find the joy in these queries and spreadsheets.

    I’m looking forward to the day that you and I are living our dream of being creatively self-employed. In the meantime, we do the best we can with the resources we have and with each other’s support.

    I love you, showered and rested or smelly and tired.

    • kantal113 says:

      Thank you, Chris. I’m glad you support my “laziness”. I think I’ll find some relief once we have another car and I can get out of the house if I want to. Even if it’s just to go to the grocery store, it will be a nice break from the inside of our house. :)
      Also, thanks for loving me no matter what.

  2. katy says:

    YAY! a Karin post! I know I didn’t nag you at all. PLEASE! yay. You have a voice, Don’t feel pressured to use it, but you do have a voice here and people like me to listen to your voice and appreciate it. xo

    • kantal113 says:

      Thanks, Katy! I don’t really feel pressured. It just made for a funnier post. Or at least I think so anyway.
      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. It means a lot. :)

  3. Rhi says:

    I can relate to this. Word for word.

  4. Today I have spent a lot of time of FB, read a lot of awesome blogs, spent some time petting a cat & staring out the front window (one of my favorite pasttimes), spent some time listening to an awesome story about what happened to my 20yr old extra “daughter” yesterday, didn’t write the blog that I meant to write today, I did manage to clean the kitchen floor but I have not yet made it to the shower and it’s now time to go get my youngest from school.

    Where does the time go?

    • kantal113 says:

      Thanks for reading and commenting, Evolutionary Mom! The only things I managed to do today were getting the kids dressed, fed, and out the door and to school on time. Except, the littlest one stayed home because hes been making seal-like noises all day. Poor guy. :(
      So, since I had him to entertain, that is quite literally all I did in the house. Then there was the facebook time and the stupid amount of time it took me to find pictures for, edit, and publish this post.
      Thank goodness it’s the weekend!
      I hope you’ll stop by again sometime. :)

  5. Mary C says:

    Your writing tells us a lot about you. I wouldn’t have thought that you had such fear of the grim reaper. Your battle with time is interesting. The fascinating thing about being human is that we have so much in common, yet we are all so different. If I want to be, I can be an excellent writer.
    I do have an MA in teaching English. However, there is a part of me that is too private to be a blogger. I admire those of you in this era of technology who are so open and eager to put your selves out there, so keep writing!

    • kantal113 says:

      Thanks for reading and commenting, Mary! Your opinion matters to me. :)
      Yes, the cat is out of the bag. I have an intense, irrational fear of death. Really it’s not so much death, as it is not being alive. It’s really freaked me out since I was a kid, and ever since I was a teenager I’ve all but obsessed about it.
      Now that I’m a mom, it seems an even more horrible thing, the fact that I will die someday and leave my Lucas behind.
      My biggest fear is that I’ll die an untimely death, and Lucas will have to be raised by his bio father. That just cannot happen.

      Being human is such an incredibly magical blessing and experience. I can’t imagine not being here and enjoying even the most trivial things.

      I am actually too hard on myself as a writer. I know it’s not perfectly structured, and that I tend to ramble, but when I re read the things I’ve written, I sometimes can’t believe I wrote them, because they’re so good.
      I suppose it’s a matter of opinion and perspective. :)
      Thanks again for reading. I hope nothing I ever write here offends you. Just remember that I am blatantly honest and open, no matter what, so anything goes when I write. :)

  6. “zero motivation to be godly”

    I’m stealing it because I just got off work and I’m still not taking a shower. Since Wednesday.

    So there.

    • kantal113 says:

      Hey, Astrea! Thanks so much for reading and commenting! I’m glad you feel a sense of community with me and my filthy, godless self.
      Just be sure if you use my quote you credit me. Oh, and feel free to share the post, if you feel so moved. ;)
      Thanks again for reading!

  7. Just once, I’d like to go an entire day without being struck by the irrational fear that I have of dying.
    I did not have this fear before my mom died. Now, several times each day I’ll be struck cold by the thought of not getting to see Li’l D do x, or y, or z, because of something happening to me.

    They’re moments as isolated as that nagging-free house above, but I’d rather them be even further isolated.

    I’m glad that you wrote this post and I look forward to more from your very awesome, not-crazy, awesomely honest self.

    • kantal113 says:

      Thanks for reading and commenting, Deb! I wish I could just shake it off, you know? But this fear has always been with me, and it’s gotten so much worse since I became a mom. My vivid imagination creates scenarios and they play out in my mind like watching a movie. It’s so upsetting sometimes, especially when I remember that thoughts become things.
      All of the crazy scenarios my brain creates are being sent out into the universe on waves of energy, almost like an order for fast food.
      I am self-perpetuating my own demise, in a way. It has to stop. I’m pretty sure therapy and/or prescription meds are in order. :P
      It means a LOT that you liked reading and that you think I’m awesome. Thank you again!

  8. Mary says:

    I don’t have time to leave a lengthy comment, but wanted to tell you, “you ROCK!” So … YOU ROCK!
    Now get back to work.

  9. I LOVE your realness, your willingness to put it all out there. I think you got something here, so keep on writing the truth. Someone out there will stop and say, “Hmmm…I am not the only one that feels this way?” And you will have touched another person’s life. I am cheering for you, so please keep on writing!!!!

    • kantal113 says:

      Thank you for taking the time out to read and comment, Rachel! It means so much to me to see you here on my fledgling blog! I’m only sorry that I didn’t notice your comment sooner! Must have been hands free all weekend. ;)
      I have always been willing to be open and to hold nothing back, and it has gotten me into trouble in the past, but I’ve decided that those people who took issue with me in my rawest (is that even a word? hehe) form were probably not people I would want around for long anyway.
      It’s amazing to me to see how many people do feel a connection and solidarity with what I have to say and how I feel. I’ve always felt awkward and a bit off the beaten path pretty much in every aspect of my life, so it’s been hard to find many kindred spirits.
      Blogging has opened up new possibilities for me, and has shown me so far that I might actually be good at something. And now, to have people like you in my corner, cheering for me, it just gives me the motivation I need to keep being myself, no matter how self-critical I may be. Thank you for your support, and again for reading. I’ll keep writing. I just can’t make any promises about how often. ;)

  10. Christal says:

    I feel you on this. The only difference is I work full-time and really feel time is just an illusion meant to make you feel like shit. I spend so many hours worrying about not spending s much time as I should on the important things like the people who reside with me in my house. So many moments pass where I just want to be alone for 25 minutes with no distractions. Just quiet.

    Yet, I still let my laziness creep in. Now, I’ve become a person who is satisfied with mediocrity. I can’t be every where at once, so I just do nothing. Life is such a chore sometimes. Good luck to you, and yes, write more!

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